Previously on Survivor (I’m No Dummy)...

The episode starts off in Bizarro world when Troy starts “attacking” Christina and none other than Alicia comes to her defense! It’s a strange new world where enemies are BFFs and share clothes. Troyzan realizes that he is on his own and it’s now him against everyone else. The Tree Mail announces a Survivor auction, and everyone is given packets containing $500 in 20s. Troyzan says his is gonna hold out for any possible advantage in the next immunity challenge. Lots of food items, with the highlight being Kim buying a shower AND buying a bowl of peanut butter and chocolate FROM the shower and Kat being surprised that a BLT actually had bacon on it. Tarzan announces that he’s not bidding on anything because he’s saving the $500 to get the shocks fixed on his Jeep. Yes. He IS a plastic surgeon. Apparently not a successful one. He does change his mind to spend his entire $500 on a letter from home. Troy gets his clue (after lackluster bidding from Christina) and then the auction ends. The Immunity Challenge is a rehash of old challenges – untie knots, bounce coconuts and break targets, and then catapult coconuts into a tic-tac-toe board. Troyzan’s clue pays off and he beats Tarzan in the final event winning immunity. Troyzan then taunts the losers, “YES, YES, YES, YES! DON’T F WITH ME!” There’s some scrambling back at camp, a really odd scene where Tarzan is bathing Leif in the ocean and Troyzan tries to explain to Tarzan, Leif, Christina and Alicia that they can join him and flip this game around. Lots of arguing between Sabrina, Chelsea and Troyzan at tribal, but when all of the votes come in, the 10th person voted out and the forth member of the jury is Leif. Now eight players remain…

Before we begin this week's ep, a very interesting Tweet exchange between myself and Christina...

Night 27…

Tarzan finally recognizes that they are down to the final eight and that there are only 2 boys left.  “So, now we’re in a hopeless situation unless the boys win immunities. So, now, if I was trying to play the odds in my favor, the smartest thing for me to do is to go with what the girls want me to do rather than risk being exposed as a person that is on Troyzan’s side." He says all of this this the world has been going on around him and he’s been oblivious to it or powerless to have any part of it. Tarzan, NOW you’re in a hopeless situation because you have been doing EXACTLY what the girls have been telling you to do and you’ve been a Kim puppet for several weeks now. THAT’S why you’re in a hopeless situation now. But wait! It’s not hopeless! You could make some kind of move! I’m sure Troy would team up with you and…  

Kim says she feels like Troyzan saying her name at Tribal threw her game a curveball and that she was not planning on being a target so early on. She is more your behind the scenes mastermind, rather than your megalomaniac evil genius type. She feels that tonight’s tribal sealed the deal with the women’s alliance and that now all of the girls are pretty locked in.

Troyzan feels like he’s still all alone. “Like I’m one man against all the women. And Tarzan.” But they think he has an idol, which is a bit of an advantage…

Time for tree mail.

Today’s tree mail will be read by Special Ed teacher, Alicia. “It’s not physical exerc-shun.” To be fair, I imagine she isn’t the kind of teacher that has story time and reads aloud to her students very often...

Everyone thinks it’s gonna be a reward where you will get to take someone with you to enjoy the reward. Kat feels like it’s her time to get in on some reward goodness and confirms with this with Kim. She walks straight up to Kim. “You’re picking me, right?” Kim says, “Yeah.” Kat says she feels like she has a great relationship with Kim, so if she wins, she can pick Kim and if Kim wins Kim can pick Kat. Perfect right?

Kim lets her know who they can and can’t send back to camp all together: Troyzan, Alicia and Christina. Them three’s poison.

“Come on in, guys!”

We see a bunch of voodoo looking dolls representing each playe and clearly the Survivor crafts department had a blast with this one. I have to say, they did a great job capturing the caricature of each player. And I LURV that Kat’s has a hoodie!

And Alicia announces that her hair is crazier than her doll’s.

Today’s reward challenge will involve being asked a series of questions where you then try to guess what the group as a whole said. Each time you get an answer right, you can chop someone else’s rope. Each rope gets three chops and then your lifelike Survivor dummy is burned alive. Slowly, gruesomely while everyone looks on. Winning player gets a trip by helicopter to a tropical island for a picnic.

I’ll be honest, I usually hate this challenge because I find it totally unfair. This is a Survivor challenge where the best player can be ganged up on and knocked out. So when the did it for Immunity, it sucked. But for reward, I’m maybe a little more accepting of it. This is a challenge that lets you REALLY see where you stand in the tribe and how people feel about you. Seasons of Survivor have been swayed by this eye opening challenge.

And, of course, since Probst is asking the questions, that aren’t gonna be all nice like, “Who is the nicest?” or “If you only had one cuddly bunny to give to someone, who would it be.” It’s more like, “Who would you stand and watch while they burned alive in their car? And PS, you could totally open the door and save them, but you prefer to just stand and watch. While sipping some tea. And eating popcorn.” Ready? Go!

“Who does not deserve to still be here?” Lots of Christinas and Trozans. But the answer is Christina.

“Christina. That is a BIG slap in the face," Probst points out.

Christina agrees. “It is. I don’t know why…” Kim immediately walks up and puts the first chop in Troyzan’s. Big surprise.

“Next question: Who would you trust with your life?” Of course, since Tarzan is a doctor, everyone picks… I’m just kidding. Actually the vote is split almost 50/50 for Tarzan and Kim, and the correct answer is Kim. And whack-whack, just like that Troyzan is out.

Alicia taunts, “This is MY island!” causing Tarzan to wax metaphorical. “Now he’s part of the island, it’s ashes. And he’s become molecular substrate of this island, so he DOES belong on this island.”

Probst is all, "Umm, yeah. Right. I was totally gonna say that."

“Next question. Who…most…needs…a wake-up call…in life?” EVERYONE says Kat. Except Kat. Who says Christina. Not surprisingly, it’s Kat. Kat takes a bow, acknowledging the honor. With a tossed, “I love you…” over her shoulder, Kim sends Tarzan’s doll into the fire.

“Who is the biggest poser?” Everyone says Troyzan except for Alicia who says Christina.

“Christina, you get an answer EVERY time,” Probst points out.

“What? How am I a poser?” Christina asks. I think it's rhetorical because no one answers.

I’ve got to say, I don’t get it. We only see Christina being mostly nice and helping out – remember, she was the ONLY one that offered any comfort to Queen Colton; a person who had been a total little monster to her – so I don’t see why she is always being described as annoying and irritating.

“Who does the least for their tribe?” Lots of Sabrinas. And the correct answer if Sabrina. Alicia chops Kat and she’s out. Kim chops Sabrina and she’s out. You get to see that the Survivor set designers went to anatomy class this week when Kat’s dolls burns down to reveal it has a SKELETON!

“Who would you most like to be stranded with on an island?” Christina says Troyzan, which is interesting. But interesting doesn’t win challenges, because the answer is Kim. Kim and Alicia get it right. Alicia has this little smug, self-assured smirk on her face and she heads straight to Christina’s rope and chops.

Remember last week and the intro where I said we were in Bizarro world because Alicia was nice to Christina? Yeah. That was last week. Clearly we’re back to regular world Alicia 1.0 and there’s no love for Christina in that stony heart. Kim gives Christina the final chop, and we’re down to Kim and Alicia.

“Who do you hope to never see again after this game?” Both answer Troyzan and Kim who has two chops left WINS REWARD! Jeff tells Kim that she can choose one person to go with her on the reward and with no hesitation she immediately picks Kat, right? Because of their little deal? No. She picks Chelsea because they're besties. Ha! Tricked you again. She actually picks Alicia.

Then Probst, who loves nothing better than to stir the pot, asks if she could choose one more person would it be an easy choice? Kim says no, not at all.  “It would be really, really hard.” So, Probst is all, sweet. Let’s do that then. Pick someone else.

Kat is thinking all, “Me! Me!” but Kim looks right at Kat and says, “I’m sorry” and then takes her right hand Kemosabe Chelsea. Then she says, “I’m sorry, but this girl never eats, Kat, and you know it.”  

This causes Troyzan to notice a little crack with which he can wheedle some mistrust. “I think it’s pretty revealing. It shows exactly where everyone stands. EXACTLY. Kim and Chelsea and Alicia are the top dogs. These guys – pointing to Christina and Sabrina and Kat – are on the bottom. Sorry. I’m not saying that to save myself. That’s just the way it was.”

We cut to a lengthy lovey-dovey scene of the three girls flying over the island in a helicopter. There’s screams of joy and mirth and the helo darts hither and yon. This is Chelsea’s first time in a helicopter and it is “definitely one of the top 10 things she’s ever done.” The helicopter swoops towards waterfalls and then banks to the waves. The girls giggle and scream.

“Glad y’all are here with me. No one else I wanted to bring more,” airborne helicopter Kim says.

Back on terra firma Kim is having a lot of second thoughts about things though. Bubble-headed up-in-the-air Kim can enjoy the helicopter, but on –the-ground Kim needs to be smarter and make more strategic decisions. She’s worried that she damaged some feelings and alliances back at camp and that she’s gonna have to go into high gear on damage control.

Back at came Kat is angry. And hungry. “So, I just took it really personal. Like, I’m hungry too. And I just hated when Kim made that little comment. ‘She’s hungry.’ I’m like, I’m hungry too. What does that even mean, ‘she’s hungry’? I’m hungry. We’re all hungry!”

Troyzan amps his game up to the next notch and starts mind freaking on Kat. “You need to wake up. Wake up. Wake up and smell the coffee! You should get made because those girls are taking advantage of you and you’re starting to realize it and you’re getting pissed off!” Troy is planting mind seeds in Kat’s head brain and they’re gonna sprout angry little seedlings of doubt and mistrust.

Kat says she’s angry because everyone thinks she’s just a follower and that Kim is the lead player. Kat doesn’t believe that. Sabrina tries to reassure Kat. Kim just left them behind because they were the two people that she knew wouldn’t falter.

Kat says she’s mad that Troy said Kim, Chelsea and Alicia were the final three and IT’S JUST NOT TRUE! So, since Kat is saying this TO Sabrina, clearly Sabrina also thinks SHE is part of the final three situation. It’s truly impressive how Kim has managed to convince ALL the girls that they are ALL in the final 3. Kat’s fear is that she is going to go down “as a weak player. And I’m gonna do everything I can to insure that that’s not the case.” Except she said this while crying…

I do have to say, we’re almost 30 days in, and Kat somehow manages to actually look CUTER each week. Even when crying or being petulant. Her hair is always windswept and model-ey looking. Ah, youth…

Sabrina tells Kat that she’s trying to extract as much information as she can from Christina. And that she needs to soothe Kat right now “’cause she’s a hot mess.” Sabrina starts talking with Troy and Christina and asks Troy what his master plan is and Troy says that he is willing to vote with the girls. Sabrina then tosses out, “We just need one girl to turn…”

“Turn?! Did someone say ‘turn’?! I can turn! Me! I’m ready! I’ve been wanting to ditch you mean B’s for weeks now!” Christina practically says. This shows Sabrina that she is easily swayed, “sways like the wind and don’t trust her at all.”

The winning team returns and Kat is not just mad, she’s FURIOUS. She does not feel like talking. Then someone says, “Kat, you want some salad?”

Salad?! That’s not real food! What do they think Kat is, some kind of follower rabbit or something? Kim takes Kat aside and says, “Kat, this is want I want to tell you. I adore you. You’re one of my very favorite people here. We’re playing a game for a million dollars. I was planning to take you this morning…”

Kat says it’s not just about the reward. “Everyone thinks of me as a follower-ass player, like Christina.” Kat is a hungry woman scorned and she’s pissed.

Then a random bit of serendipity:  a wild pig comes strolling through their camp. and it’s Lord of the Flies time. “Get the rope!” “Can we kill it?” “WE NEED AN AXE! CHRISTINA WE NEED AN AXE!” “Surround it!” “Kill the pig! You can redeem yourself, Troy, just KILL THE PIG!”

There’s a lengthy Keystone Kops chase where they try and circle the pig and rope it and corral it. The Survivor editors throw in the classic these-guys-are-a-bunch-of-morons hillbilly banjo music playing in the background. Surprisingly, Chelsea “master chicken catcher” doesn’t seem to participate in the escapade. In fact she says, “I’m sorry but that pig is CUTE and I am not killing that pig. We could definitely keep it as a pet.” In the end….they don’t catch it. Kim is happy though, because the pig was a needed distraction and tension breaker around camp.

“Come on in, guys!” Immunity challenge time. “Once again immunity is back up for grabs.” This is Survivor slip-and-slide. You start by sliding down a slippery slip-and-slide thing, where you grab a hoop that you then throw on a peg. First person to get their ring on the peg advances to the next round. Last person standing wins immunity.

First round Chelsea taking on Alicia. Some gratuitous lubing up scenes.

They both take the weakest dives ever and have to shuffle walk to the end. Chelsea nails it first and moves on.

Next up is Kat and Sabrina. Sabrina dives in like a baller and grabs her ring. Kat comes up short and does a penguin shuffle to the end where she takes one shot and scores.

Next up is battle of the ‘Zans…ROUND TWO!

Tarzan kind of falls and then crawls to the end. Tarzan takes his time, slow and steady and he hooks it, beating Troyzan. There is a considerable celebration because now Troyzan can’t win immunity. In fact, you could have just ended the challenge right now because whoever wins immunity at this point is immaterial.

Next up is Kim versus Christina. Here you go, Internet. It's not exactly Survivor Christina Cha naked or Survivor Christina Cha nude (sorry, that's just mugging for analytics) but it's something...

Christina barely even makes it onto the course and doesn’t even get to her hook by the time Kim has already won.

Round two you have to land two rings. First up is Kat on Chelsea. It’s a good battle and Kat has learned how to do the Pete Rose head first dive,

but Chelsea hooks her two first and Chelsea moves on.

Next up is Tarzan versus Kim. Tarzan is playing like he’s got the rickets somethin’ fierce and just kind of hobbles his way down and Kim wins!

Third round, gotta hook three rings. Kim on Chelsea in the sexiest Survivor immunity final in a while. Throw, throw, throw and KIM WINS IMMUNITY!

Back at camp the pig is just hanging out, taunting them with the promise of delish hams and bacons. Or maybe Chelsea named it and actually made it the camp pet. "'We musn't let anything happen to Piggy, must we?'"

Kim tells the group that they need to throw two votes at Christina just in case Troyzan DOES have an idol. Christina is used to seeing her name written down and so she won’t flip when she sees it where anyone else will freak. “It’s been happening to her the whole game and she knows that now everyone is crazy about her.”

Sabrina then tells Christina that she and Tarzan already know what to do; they are putting Christina’s name down, but, you know, we’re not sending you home tonight. It’s really cool.

“Worst case scenario, in case he has the idol,” Christina says. But, I’m not sure that she is GRASPING that if Troy DOES have an idol, and the other votes are going to her that SHE will be going home. I mean, she SAYS that they are gonna split votes in case he has the idol, but she just seems to go along with it like she doesn’t care that if he DOES it’s her going home. (scratches head) Christina! Girl! MAKE A MOVE! CONTROL YOUR DESTINY! NO FATE BUT WHAT WE MAKE!

Alicia says that “If I got a couple of votes, all hell would break loose. But you know what? Christina’s IQ is probably a zero, if that even exists. I mean, I’m a special ed teacher and I handle Christina like one of my students and she’s gonna do whatever we tell her to do.” Nice. Really classy, Alicia!

Christina and Troyzan have an ocean lounge chat time. Christina actually seems like she is getting the drift that she can’t trust the girls 100%. Christina tells Troy that she’ll vote for Chelsea if Troy will vote Chelsea. But Troy doesn’t think that anyone else will sign up for the Vote Chelsea campaign.

Troy starts talking about how he needs to know how the votes are being split so he can capitalize on it and Christina then tells Troy how she’s heard her name being bandied around. OY VEY! CHRISTINA! UGH! Smelling Christina blood in the water – and realizing that if he can get even one other person to vote Christina – Troy starts lobbying to get more Christina vote. He goes to Tarzan and to Kat.

At Tribal Jeff announces, “So, it started at men versus women and it certainly appeared today that it is still very much a men versus women game. Is that where we’re at Troyzan?”

“Yep. It’s still all the women. Plus Tarzan.”

“Sabrina,” Probst asks, “if it is men versus women, there’s six of you. Has there been much talk amongst the women? Who is number 6? Who is number 5…?”

“I wouldn’t say amongst ALL six of it. It’s been dropped since day 2, day 10, day 19…”

There is a lot of talk about who stands where, and Chelsea says that she feels like the top 3 was set WAY back on day 1.

Jeff then says, “Christina. Why are you here?”

Alicia starts laughing then says that the general consensus is that Christina doesn’t deserve to be here. Christina announces that that really hurt her feelings and that in the beginning, no one really got to know her. Jeff reminds her that the challenge JUST took place two days ago, and NOW people know her. Jeff then explains the Survivor end game. “The important thing is that a jury decides who wins. And the jury here, of people still in the game, don’t think you deserve to be here.”

Christina assures us that she has been strategizing throughout the game and the the point is to outwit, outlast.

Troy says that the women all seem to believe that they are going to the end. And if they believe that then he’s “got some frickin’ ocean front property in Kansas I’ll sell you.”

“I’m from Kansas,” Jeff says, “and there is no ocean front property.”

Jeff then asks Kat how it felt to be left out of the reward challenge. Kat says it didn’t feel good. But not because she missed out on food.

Then it’s time to vote…

We see Troy vote Christina, Christina vote Chelsea and Kim for Troy. Next votes, Troy, Troy. Then two more Christina votes. One vote left, and the 11th person voted out and 5th member of the jury is…Troy. Troy stands up and then leans over and whispers into Kim’s ear, “Do it!”

Jeff wraps it up with, "It has been the mission of this group to get rid of Troyzan. Well, mission accomplished. Now what…?"